The Adventures of Missouri Karen

Having just written a post about the subtleties of the Karen phenomenon, I thought it might be interesting to explore some regional differences regarding it, here in the Midwest, and in Missouri in particular.  People do things a little differently around here. 

I submit for your approval and edification:

The Adventures of Missouri Karen

 Missouri Karen walks into a restaurant. She isn't wearing shoes, and she has her unleashed Pitt Bull with her. She is coughing effusively and is not wearing a mask. She parked her 1992 Dodge Ram facing the big window of the restaurant, and because it was a hot day, she left the engine running with the A/C on "high," and the headlights set to "bright," effectively blinding everyone facing outward at the four tables by the window.

She sits down and orders black coffee, and a bowl of gravy for her dog. The waitress brings the coffee and the bowl of gravy to the table, sets the coffee down on the table and the bowl of gravy on the floor by the dog.

The dog tests the gravy with one delicate lap of its tongue and then sits and stares at Missouri Karen, as if something is wrong.

Missouri Karen reached down, gets the bowl, and, holding it with both hands, tilts it toward her mouth and drinks about half of it down.  She sets the bowl on the table and calls the waitress over.

"This gravy is not hot. It's just luke warm,”  she says.

The waitress picks up the bowl and tilts it to her mouth and takes a sip, and then sets the empty bowl back onto the table.

"You're right," she says, and then apologizes profusely, leaves and returns with another bowl of gravy. It is steaming hot. She sets it on the floor.

The dog tastes the gravy and burns its tongue, expressing its displeasure by running through the restaurant barking and snarling and biting people on their ankles and calves.

The manager notices the commotion that ensues and comes out onto the floor. He tells Missouri Karen to pay up for the coffee and two bowls of gravy and take her damn dog and get out. 

Missouri Karen takes it in stride--been here, done this before. She pays and starts out the door when another customer speaks to her.  He is a leathery, middle aged man with a long, white ponytail and a white beard and mustache.  He is dressed in a black Harley Davidson tee shirt and old denim overhauls. “Is that your piece of crap Dodge Ram?" he says.  "I had one once but I finally got smart and pushed it off a cliff.”

Now Missouri Karen glares indignantly at the biker, walks out and gets in her truck and backs into the Harley parked across from her and knocks it over. Gasoline gurgles out of the upended tank and forms a puddle. 

Missouri Karen lights a cigarette, gestures at the crowd forming at the window and drives off after flicking the lit cigarette butt into the puddle of gasoline.  There are flames, and a small explosion. Missouri Karen drives away.

No one makes a video of this because everyone has flip-phones from 2003. No one sues anyone, and no lessons are learned. Two patrons ask if there is any more gravy left. There is, but the waitress has already quit her job over an unrelated incident in the rear dining area. 

The End