OK it's not snowing that had. Maybe not at all, anymore, but when it came it came as a shock. Of course with it came the annual realization by many drivers that with snow comes a special dispensation and all laws of God and man are temporarily suspended. You are no longer required to stop at stop signs. Park where you want. You may run a red light as long as you actually saw it turning from green to yellow to red when you were within 300 feet of the intersection, and in any case, four-wheel drive vehicles always have the right-of-way, or, in the case of a tie, the vehicle with the most mass. And finally, reduced traction caused by snow and ice on the roadway does not require any extra stopping distance. That is an urban myth. Everything's computerized now. Just stomp on the brakes. Anyway, last winter was a long, long time ago and the laws of physics have probably changed since then.
More importantly, there is the phenomenon of aluminum sliding glass door frames getting really cold on the inside surfaces due to the cold air outside. One of those pesky thermodynamic laws which does not go away ever, and in the presence of warm, humidified air causes ice to form on the door frame. And, right, I'm like you: SLIDING glass door. ICE. Things slide on ice, right? It should open even more easily than usual, should you need to let a cat out, or let one in. But NO. Turns out it is more like WELDING the door in place. So, the scenario goes like this: cat weaves in and out of vertical blinds, making them clatter and clatter for a long enough period of time that the clattering pierces the veil of sleep, first insinuating itself as a plot element in whatever dream you're having . . .
Sela Ward: What's that clattering noise??
Me: I don't know. Just ignore it.
Jodie Foster: Whatever it is, it's really distracting.
Sela Ward: Yeah. I'm not in the mood anymore.
Jodie Foster: Me neither
. . . until you find yourself awake and you realize one or both of the cats wants out. You get up and grab the handle of the sliding glass door and pull on it until a sharp pain shoots through your right shoulder. Dimly, you become aware of distant memories from last winter. Oh, yeah, the frikkking door freezes shut when the humidifier comes on. You pick up the cat and carry it to the front door, and let it out there. You go back to bed. Slowly, you approach a state of sleepiness until you hear a tick . . . tick . . . click . . . tick click . . . pop . . . click pop pop and you remember that is the sound the cat's claws make on the rubber seal around the glass on the outside of the sliding glass door because now the cat wants in. You can't leave a cat out for too long, because last night the TV weatherman said "KEEP YOUR PETS INSIDE TONIGHT" so you get back up and go look at the cat through the glass. But of course you still can't open the door. You get dressed so you can walk out the front door and around to the back, then pick up the cat in your arms and CARRY it around to the front and come back inside. The cat is puzzled the whole time, but happy to be warm again and rewards you with NOTHING.
You give up and turn on the coffee maker, maybe write a blog post.
That's the thing about cats, they simply expect that you will do everything they want because they exist. And you will. KITTY!!
ReplyDeleteBut at least you have normal heat there. And walls made out of real wall stuff instead of graham crackers.
I read. I laugh. I wonder if my sense of humor and/or storytelling bone could ever translate into blog posts.
ReplyDeleteLast night I slept with the bedroom window wide open. Dig that! (Not that it isn't nearly freezing in the depth of night. I just wonder if I'm allergic to my house and am airing it out.)
This is really great.
ReplyDeleteWillie and I have a nightly ritual where I try to get some work done on my computer and she parades her hightail ass back and forth under my chin until she finally settles across the length of my forearms. Then she attacks me if I move too much. A Q-key, P-key, or the reach for any number is unacceptable to her. Tired of being attacked, I heave her bodily onto the floor and she darts under the table, across, onto the opposite chair and up under my chin. aaand.....back and forth and back and forth...
Cats. Snow. Thermodynamics. Things you can't do anything about.
my verification word was "inate"
ReplyDeleteLOL at Paula's walls made of Graham Crackers. Is that anything like soup in a bread bowl? You know it would be better if they were made of Dutch Windmill cookies!
ReplyDeleteI heard it's better for you to sleep with a window open, Don, unless, of course, it results in frostbite or hypothermia. An article said a closed bedroom runs low on oxygen. Which explains a lot.
Kristiana, I agree. And around here you can't swing a cat around by the tail without hitting a law of thermodynamics.
Brilliant! This post not only precisely defines the special rules governing winter driving but also proves that the three laws of thermodynamics were actually written by cats.
Delete"First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing."
Such a funny post!
ReplyDeleteWe have no had any snow here yet. My daughter keeps asking when we're going to get a snow day. I beat her for this impudence, naturally. People in the South sure are funny when it snows, though, and the drivers most especially. They're idiots on the best of days, let alone when AH MAH GAH IT IS SNOWING!!!11! GET OUT OF MAH WAY I NEED ALL THE BREAD AND MILK HARRIS TEETER HAS IN STOCK!!!!1one!!!1
I meant the drivers are idiots, of course, not Southerners generally. All drivers are idiots. Even geniuses, when they get behind the wheel of a car, are idiots.
ReplyDeleteHa!!!one!! That's what it's like here. In the grocery stores people are screaming and running up and down the aisles grabbing milk and boxes of Cheerios and macaroni and cheese while zombies lurch around in the parking lot.
ReplyDeleteYou forgot the 4th law, Asha, which is the secret law that only cats know.
ReplyDelete